Interview by Chris Nieratko /Photos by Hotz
You and I have been playing phone tag for a week or so. What the hell have you been up to?
Dude, I smashed my phone. I haven’t had a phone for a whole month and I can’t pay my bill. I’m not doing too much right now. I’ve been skating every day…just summertime living, I guess.
It’s 2015, how do you survive without a phone?
I don’t know but it seems to be working for me, I guess.
Don’t you miss the Instagram?
Yeah, I love it but I don’t have it anymore so I’m fucked. I borrow people’s phones now but people don’t let me use their phones anymore; that’s why I call you from so many different numbers. I asked people to use their phones so much and no one lets me anymore.
Why don’t you just pay your phone bill? Don’t you have a job? Don’t you make any money off skateboarding?
I got a job but I only work three days a week at this indoor park in Ottawa but it’s not really cutting it to pay my bills. So the bill has racked up, it’s like 600 bucks and I can’t pay it and I cant save that much money.
Have you considered prostituting yourself on CraigsList?
Fuck, that could maybe work. I haven’t thought about that.
Wouldn’t you be freaked out about doing that? I heard you were super freaked out about catching STDs.
Yeah, that’s kind of faded. That was a while ago. I’m not that scared anymore. I used to be and I’ll tell you why. My friend gave me a fucking hand me down razor when I first started to get pubes four or five years ago. I was about to go on a skate trip and I was like, “Yo! I got to shave my pubes before I go on this trip.” So I was shaving my shit and then I sat in a car for three days, not showering and so I got a pimple on my dick and I was tripping out. I thought I had an STD because I had recently hooked up with a sketchy girl right before I went on the trip. It just kept getting bigger and bigger so I went to see a doctor when I got home but they told me it was nothing. It was just a skin infection but I thought I was fucked, man.
Dude! I have been there. In that exact same situation. I shaved my shit and I got an ingrown hair and I started freaking out and ran to the doctor because I thought it was herpes or something.
Same shit with me but mine wasn’t an ingrown hair. Mine was a full on blister; it was crazy.
I don’t like body hair regardless. I freak out on that shit.
I don’t even touch that shit now. I just leave it. I’m pretty sketched to get something like that again.
When I saw my first pubes I was really into vampire and werewolf movies and I seriously thought I was turning into a werewolf.
That’s funny. Do you still shave your pubes or what?
Yeah, I can’t handle hair. And it makes your dick look bigger and I need all the help I can get.
It does, huh? I can’t do that. I don’t have the patience for that. Man, I’m all fucked up right now. I’ve been at the skatepark drinking for a while.
I heard when you drink you have the tendency to black out and break into random houses.
I do that? Maybe. You’ve been talking to my friends. I guess I black out, yeah. I can’t remember a time I’ve done that but I probably have.
What’s Ottawa like? I heard you’re the local legend over there.
No, not really. I guess I’ve lived here my whole life and it’s pretty small in Ottawa so the skate scene is small and you know everyone and everyone knows you. It’s kind of tight like that.
How are the girls up there?
They’re good, for sure. Ottawa has some cute girls.
Do you fuck with the Tinder?
No. I actually had it once and was stoked but then I went to this bar and someone called my name, like, “Hey! Tinder Sam! You’re Tinder Sam.” I had only been on it for a couple days and the girl knew me at the bar from Tinder and kept calling me Tinder Sam, Tinder Sam, Tinder Sam. It was crazy. I deleted it. I got bummed. It is pretty cool and it definitely works, especially if you’re on a skate trip or you’re out of town. Not in Ottawa though, fuck. It’s too small of a town and you get called Tinder Sam at the bar. It sucks.
So what’s your game plan? You trying to get out of Ottawa?
Yeah, I just went on a big trip with my friend Charlie down the Pacific Coast, down through Cali and into Mexico. I’m trying to get back out there but I’m fucking broke, dude. I can’t even pay my phone bill, man. I’m fucked.